


Pulling Teeth

by loud_as_lions



Series: Exploring Us [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Neil figuring out his sexuality, Squint and you'll miss it, better late than never, internalized demiphobia, just a little it's really not bad at all, nicky hemmick is a blessing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 09:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20356534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loud_as_lions/pseuds/loud_as_lions
Summary: There was a moment of silence, where Neil caught his breath and Nicky tried to digest what the younger man was asking of him. Eventually, he spoke. “Just to be clear, you do know I’m not a dentist?”Disclaimer: this has absolutley nothing to do with teeth.





	Pulling Teeth

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for AFTG! Woo! 
> 
> As a demisexual person who went through many labels to get there, this fic (and Neil) are very near and dear to my heart. His experience in this fic is a lot of my own experience, so if you've got anything to say about it I ask that you keep it kind and constructive! 
> 
> Without further ado, Neil fumbling through his sexuality.

“Hey, Nicky?” Neil asked, knocking on the older man’s open doorframe. 

Nicky perked up from his lounged position on the bed. “Neil! What’s up?” he tried to sound casual, but Neil could tell he was immensely curious. Neil never approached him like this- or anyone, really. 

“I was wondering if we could talk. Maybe, uh, get coffee or something?” He’d gone over this conversation in his head about a hundred times the night before, and he’d still managed to sound like it was being choked out of him. 

“It’s about time you put the moves on me, Josten! I couldn’t do that to Andr-“ Neil rolled his eyes and turned away from Nicky. He knew this had been a bad idea. “Wait, wait! I’m sorry!” Nicky called. Neil could hear him scrambling off the bed to follow him into their living room. When he caught up, he put a hand on Neil’s shoulder. “I couldn’t resist, but it’s out of my system now, I swear. I’d love to get coffee.” 

Neil nodded and grabbed his keys while Nicky found his shoes. At the sound of keys jingling, Andrew looked up from his beanbag chair and raised an eyebrow at Neil. They locked eyes, Andrew trying to find all the answers on Neil’s face as per usual. “Text me your disgusting drink order and I’ll bring you one.” This was all the information Andrew seemed to need, and he nodded before turning back to his Psychology book. 

On the drive to the coffee shop, Nicky chattered mostly to himself while Neil drove, tossing in a meaningless answer here or there so Nicky wouldn’t press him about not listening even though they both knew he wasn’t. He couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation that was awaiting them enough to focus on the other boy’s words. Neil knew the moment that Nicky realized they weren’t going to the coffee shop on campus because he stopped talking for a moment and looked around like a surprised animal. Neil watched him out of the corner of his eye for a moment, but Nicky didn’t ask and only took a moment longer before he continued his story, much to Neil’s relief. 

They pulled up twenty minutes later at a coffee shop in the next town over. Nicky gave him another look, but still said nothing of the location. The two men ordered their drinks and Nicky looked around for an empty table, but Neil shook his head and headed for the door. His friend followed him wordlessly out of the coffee shop and down the street until he turned the corner. 

“Neil? This is getting sketchy, man. Oh.” Nicky said, almost bumping into Neil as he rounded the corner. “I hate to break it to you, Neil, but this really seems like some kind of weird date,” Nicky told him, looking at the entrance of the park. Neil rolled his eyes and began walking again. 

A few minutes later, the pair settled on one of the park’s benches. It was nice and quiet, the bench in a spot with a bunch of overgrown bushes and not a lot of grass, one people usually didn’t seek out in preference of the nicer looking spots. “Okay, Neil, I can’t take it anymore. I feel like you poisoned my coffee and when I’m done with it you’re gonna dump my body in that bush.” Nicky rambled, pointing to one of the particularly scraggly bushes. Neil figured it probably could hide Nicky’s body pretty well if it needed to. 

“Sorry. It’s just private, you know? I don’t… I mean, I’m not…” Neil sighed, wishing he’d written down talking points or something. 

Nicky reached across the bench and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “It’s alright. I’m just being dramatic. Take your time, Neil.” Nicky’s reassuring smile calmed Neil a little, for which he was grateful. 

They sat there silently drinking their coffee for a few more minutes until Neil finally found words. 

“I was just going to look all of this up on the internet. But, I didn’t really know what to look for. I only know how I feel, and I barely even understand that. Putting it into words feels…” Neil made a flailing sort of gesture, and Nicky nodded as if he still caught the meaning. “I figured, you’re the most open person I know, and you’re not really good at boundaries.” Nicky let out a surprised laugh at that, “But that’s okay! Especially for this because I know this conversation is going to be like pulling teeth but I know I need to have it but I can’t pull my own teeth especially because you’re the one that knows more about teeth than me so I need you to do it for me.” 

There was a moment of silence, where Neil caught his breath and Nicky tried to digest what the younger man was asking of him. Eventually, he spoke. “Just to be clear, you do know I’m not a dentist?”

“God, I knew the teeth analogy wasn’t the right one to go with but nothing else fit,” Neil sighed. 

Nicky chuckled. “That’s alright, I think I get it. Do you just want me to, uh…” he paused before smirking, “start drilling?” 

It was so bad, even Neil laughed. “As long as you don’t say that again, yes.” 

“Okay, let me know if there’s any sensitivity, okay?” Nicky asked. Neil chuckled again, but nodded, and there were a few moments where Nicky was clearly thinking about what to ask. Neil acknowledged that this was a dangerous thing to do, let the most curious person he knew ask whatever he thought would pull answers from Neil. But he trusted Nicky, and he needed this for himself. 

“Wait,” Nicky said, looking at Neil. “You said I know more about teeth than you. Is that what you need to talk about? Whatever it is I know more about than you?” 

Neil nodded, and Nicky grinned. 

“Well, that makes this difficult, since I am a genius with extensive knowledge on everything and…” he trailed off again, and Neil could tell he’d thought of something, but he hesitated and bit his lip before asking. “Does Andrew know that we’re doing this?”

“He saw us leave.” 

“Cute, but you know that’s not what I meant.”

Neil sighed. “I didn’t tell him, no.” 

“Does he know whatever it is we’re talking about, though?” Nicky clarified.

“No,” Neil paused, thinking. Andrew always knew more than he was letting on. “Probably. But not from us talking about it.”

Nicky nodded, and Neil could almost picture him going over a checklist in his mind. Nicky’s eyes widened. “Is it _about_ Andrew?” Neil didn’t respond, and Nicky waited a moment before pressing on, “Neil?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” 

“Maybe? Come on, Neil. I need more than that. Who are we talking about here?” Nicky continued. 

Neil kept the words on the tip of his tongue for a long time before he finally answered, “I don’t swing.” Nicky’s eyebrows shot up into his hair. That’s exactly what Neil had thought, too. 

“But you and Andrew…” Nicky began, but he couldn’t seem to find the rest of the sentence. Neil waited. “Are you guys, uh, physical?” They both cringed at the wording, but Neil didn’t waste time protesting his word choices and nodded. “And you both want to be?” Neil nodded again. 

Nicky let out a breath. “I don’t get the problem, then, Neil. You didn’t swing, but now you do. So what?” 

“I still don’t, though. Swing, I mean. It’s just Andrew.” Neil tried to clarify. Nicky made a cooing noise, like when people see small animals, and Neil rolled his eyes. “Shut up, I mean it.” 

“Okay, okay. Can you elaborate?” 

Neil just looked at him.

“Like, okay. You find Andrew attractive, right?” another nod, “But what about Matt?” 

Neil rolled his eyes again. “Nicky, be serious.”

“I am being serious! I’m the dentist here, remember? Just answer the question.”

Neil thought for a moment, imagining Matt in his mind. Logically, he knew Matt was handsome. He wasn’t blind. But he couldn’t compare looking at Matt to looking at Andrew, not by far. “Uh, no. I don’t.” 

Nicky nodded seriously. “What about Kevin?”

“No.” 

“Okay,” Nicky said, clearly choosing his next words carefully. “What about Aaron?”

“Nicky!” Neil protested. 

“No, really, think about it. They’re identical twins, Neil. If you think one is hot, objectively the other is, too. So, honestly, yes or no?”

Neil hated how right Nicky was, but the logic did make sense. There was a reason he’d come to Nicky, after all. Neil thought about Aaron. He tried to picture him without thinking of Andrew, of comparing them, but he couldn’t. It was like a spot the difference photo that he’d played too many times. Neil could tell them apart too well, and he knew just how different they were. When he pictured Aaron, he didn’t see Andrew’s face like many people did. He saw a distinctly different person- one he didn’t find attractive in the slightest. 

“I know that he’s good looking. That’s just logic- like you said, they’re identical. But… no.” 

Nicky hummed thoughtfully. Neil looked down at his hands and picked at a hangnail. He knew he had asked for this scrutiny, that he’d needed it, but he still didn’t like it. Neil almost told Nicky to forget it, that they should finish their coffees and go, but then Nicky spoke up again.

“There’s a girl I know on campus that’s demisexual. Do you know what that is?” Nicky asked. When Neil shook his head, Nicky continued. “Basically, it’s someone who needs to have a really deep emotional connection with someone to be physically attracted to them.”

Neil’s eyes widened. His heart was beating harder in his chest, suddenly. 

“Would you say you have a deep emotional connection with Andrew?” Nicky asked, and Neil nodded even though they both knew the answer. “Do you remember what it was like before that?” Nicky pushed. 

Neil thought for a moment, brows furrowed. “I mean, I can’t really pinpoint it.” 

“That makes sense. But, when you first came to Palmetto you didn’t swing, even for Andrew, right?”

He was right. Of course, Neil remembered hating Andrew. Thinking he was a threat. Coming to respect him as he understood him more. Their deal. But he hadn’t been attracted to Andrew then. 

“I don’t think it really started until he was at Easthaven,” Neil admitted. 

Nicky looked startled, almost. Whether it was at the timing or that Neil had actually told him, he couldn’t tell. Perhaps both. “When Riko threatened him?” Nicky ventured. 

Neil shrugged. “I didn’t realize it, but… probably.” 

“Neil,” Nicky said, but he didn’t continue. He didn’t seem to really have words. Neil couldn’t blame him. He was having trouble grasping this, too. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking their coffees and contemplating. Finally, Neil asked, “So, it’s okay?”

Nicky blinked over at him. “What do you mean?”

“This… well, demisexual thing, I guess?” Neil elaborated. 

“Of course, Neil! Why wouldn’t it be?” Nicky put a hand on Neil’s knee, probably attempting to soothe. 

Neil shrugged. “Well, whenever I said I didn’t swing nobody ever took it seriously,” he said, not meeting Nicky’s eyes. “Even you.”

Nicky sighed and took his hand away from Neil’s knee. He seemed to mull over his response, and Neil began to feel a little guilty for throwing that at him. It was true, though. Nicky had given him the most grief about his sexuality since they’d met. “I know.” Nicky sighed again. “I’m really sorry, Neil. I should know more than anyone that everyone is entitled to their own sexual identity, and not to question others. I’m just so enthusiastic about my own that I guess I tend to project a little.”

“A little?” Neil smirked. 

Nicky seemed relieved at his joking tone and shoved his shoulder, scandalized. “Hush, you! At least I wasn’t too far off, you do like men. Just… one in particular.” he grinned. “Speaking of which, do you think you’re going to tell him about this?”

“I…” Neil trailed off, a little startled. “I sort of have to, don’t I?” 

“Well, you don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to, of course. But I think what you said earlier is right and that he probably has his own ideas about your sexuality, all things considered.” Nicky explained. 

Neil nodded. “I’ll probably do more research, first. Figure it out some more.” 

“Be careful with that, okay?” Nicky said, a little hesitant. Neil raised an eyebrow at him. “The internet… when you read things about sexuality on there, it can make you feel wrong. Sometimes there are things on there that make you think you have to feel a certain way, or do certain things, to fit into your label. Just remember that as long as you feel like it fits you, that’s what matters. And if it doesn’t feel right to call yourself demi, we can figure out what might work better. Or you can just stick with _Neil Josten: guy_ _who only swings for Andrew_. You don’t need a label unless you want one. It’s meant to be a positive thing, not a stressor.” Nicky was smiling at him like he did when he was passionate about something. It was the same look he got when he talked about his major, or about Erik. It was the look he’d gotten when he’d told Neil that there had to be more to life than exy. It might be Neil’s favorite look on him, and he felt himself smiling back. 

“Thank you, Nicky,” Neil said, quietly. 

Nicky nodded. “Thank you, Neil.”

“For what?” Neil’s brows furrowed together.

Nicky chuckled. “A lot of things. Being there for me, for all of us. For being good to Andrew. For trusting me with this.” He laughed again as a blush spread over Neil’s cheeks. He’d never been thanked for anything like that before. Nothing so genuine. 

Neil couldn’t say anything, he just swallowed and nodded. In a surprising bout of silence, they finished off their coffees and went back to the coffee shop together. Neil ordered Andrew’s drink without even looking at his phone, and was thankful when Nicky didn’t comment on him knowing Andrew’s order. 

When they were back at Fox Tower, Neil found Andrew still in a beanbag in the living room reading while Kevin sat beside him immersed in a Pro Exy game on the television. Neil sat on the sofa beside Kevin to check the game’s score and handed Andrew his whipped cream monstrosity. Nicky came out of his bedroom a few minutes later with his laptop and motioned to Neil, who got up to meet him at the kitchen table. 

Nicky said nothing, but on his computer screen there were several websites open that Neil assumed were good places to research his newfound label. Neil smiled at Nicky, who ruffled his hair before handing off his computer to Neil and joining Kevin at the tv. 

Neil went into the bedroom with Nicky’s computer, leaving the door open behind him and went to work. 

It was hours later when he finally emerged from forum hell. Neil had learned languages less complicated than the sexualities that he’d read about that day. But, the more he read about people who identified as demisexual the more the label seemed to fit. For the most part, anyway. Like Nicky had warned him, it was difficult to listen to the experiences of others in terms of sexuality because everyone was so different. However, most of the things Neil found that made him remember Nicky’s words were people who didn’t themselves use the label, so he pushed it out of his mind. 

What he couldn’t stop thinking about, though, was that despite how well demi fit him, it didn't really fit what he had with Andrew. When they started all this, Andrew had made it pretty clear that there weren't any emotions involved. Contrary to popular belief, Neil wasn't an idiot. He knew things had changed since then. He knew that he cared about Andrew, only today had he realized what that really meant for him. He knew Andrew had to care about him too, despite his constant rising in hate-percentage. He just didn't know if Andrew would be okay with Neil's feelings, and not knowing was beginning to eat a hole in his chest. 

He wandered back into the living room to find Nicky and Aaron playing video games and Kevin at his desk studying. 

“Hey Nicky,” Neil said, holding up his friend’s computer. 

Nicky turned his head quickly to look. When he did, Aaron made a triumphant sound and Nicky turned back to the screen and let out a shriek and then fell back into his beanbag dramatically while Aaron laughed. When Nicky composed himself he looked over at Neil. “You can leave it on the table there. Find the right stuff for your research?” Nicky asked. 

Neil grinned at his friend. Nicky could be oblivious at times, but when he wanted to be he really could be subtle, and Neil appreciated that he chose now to show him that. “Yeah, thanks. It was just like you said. I found everything I needed.”

Nicky nodded and picked up his controller again as he and Aaron restarted their game. 

Neil pulled his phone out of his pocket and sent a text off to Andrew. Once he got an affirmative response, he went up to the roof to join him. 

Andrew was looking out over the campus, somehow managing to look uninterested despite how nice the view was in the light of the setting sun. Neil came over and sat next to him, back against the wall. They said nothing for a few minutes until Andrew turned around to sit mimicking Neil and passed him his half-smoked cigarette. “What?” he asked, eyes scanning over Neil’s face as if he could find the answer to his question there. 

“I don’t know how to do this,” Neil said quietly between long drags. Andrew pulled his lighter out of his pocket and Neil thought he was going to light up another cigarette, but instead, he just played with the lighter, flicking it on and watching the flame for a moment before releasing it and doing it again. 

After a few moments, it became clear he had nothing to say to Neil’s vague admission, so he continued. “How did you come out to Renee?” 

Andrew froze for a moment and blinked over at him. It clearly wasn’t what he was expecting. He put his lighter back in his pocket and took the cigarette from Neil’s hands to take a drag as he thought. Neil just watched, admiring him, committing the moment to memory. Eventually, Andrew spoke up. “She told me the team was betting on us dating. I told her it wasn’t something that could happen. She didn’t push for more than that, but I told her why anyway.” he shrugged and passed the cigarette back to Neil. “It doesn’t have to be a complicated thing.”

Neil nodded and finished off the cigarette. After he crushed out the dull light on the concrete he looked at Andrew to find Andrew already looking at him. “I’m demisexual.” 

Andrew studied his face for a moment before nodding, a hint of a smile on his lips. “Okay.”

“Do you know what it means?” Neil asked. Andrew nodded, and Neil turned to him. “So… what happens to us?” 

Andrew’s eyes rolled over Neil lazily. “Neil, do _you _know what it means?”

“That I’m only attracted to people who I feel a strong emotional connection with.”

Andrew nodded, to which Neil gave an exasperated sigh. “That’s not what we are, though. You’ve said that from the beginning. This is nothing. You hate me.”

“I’d say hating you is a pretty strong emotion,” Andrew smirked. 

Neil rolled his eyes. “Andrew, I’m being serious. I… I have feelings for you and that isn’t what you signed up for. If you don’t want-“

Andrew sat up straight and turned his body towards Neil’s, derailing Neil’s train of thought. Andrew leaned in close and Neil’s breath caught. “Do you really think I didn’t know exactly what I was getting myself into with you, Josten?” 

Neil’s train of thought crashed. “What?”

“You’re not as good at hiding your emotions as you think you are.” 

Neil didn’t know how he could be so calm about this. “So, you… we’re…” he couldn’t find words, couldn’t figure out what to ask first. 

“Your new label doesn’t change anything with this. Not for me.” Andrew nodded. 

Neil let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Me either.” 

Andrew smirked at him as he leaned closer. “Yes or no?” 

“Yes,” Neil breathed as the space between them closed. He’d been wrong- their conversation had changed this. With the new certainty and affirmation filling Neil’s chest, Andrew’s kiss felt better than it ever had before. By the time they went back to the dorm that night, Nicky and Kevin were already asleep. Neil fell asleep with a smile on his face. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate you! 
> 
> Come talk with me about the fic and AFTG in general @ magna-sicut-leonum on tumblr!


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